Dethcrash
by Edgeofursoul
Summary: The most brutal band in the world, Dethklok gets stranded on a deserted island, can they survive? Find out! WARNING: If you never watched Metalocalypse then don't read and if you complain about bad grammar then you have not watched it so go f youself.
1. Track 1

**Track 1**

About one hundred miles Southeast of the Asian coast the darkest blackest most brutal band to ever exsist heads to the next stop on their world tour.

Murderface:"Damn those fisheaters with their slinty eyes and that 'I'm better than you' attitude!"

Skwisgaar:"Yeah likes these Dutch they ares. Fucking dildos!"

Nathan:"Guys, why do we tour anyway? All those dicks aren't good enough to watch us?"

Pickles:"Cuz they pay us assloads of money... an asian chicks will do anything."

Nathan:"Oh yeah!"

Toki:"So beautiful those gurls woweee!"

Murderface:"But what's with the tiny tits? Looks like someone sliced them off."

Skwisgaar:"Yeah but thats is so brutal."

Nathan:"Skwisgaar is right, and it's easier to hate them that way."

Pickles:"Dude, did you feel that?"

Toki:"Feels what?"

Pickles:"Like the plane is moving."

Nathan:"Ummmm Yeah we're flying, ya dick. Drink more and things will stop spinning."

Skwisgaar:"I thinks thats other ways round its."

Nathan:"Uhhhhhh Damn, I'm confused...hand me another bottle."

Pickles:"Dude! There is goes again!"

Nathan:"I swear Pickles if you don't shut up you're out of the band!"

Murderface:"Wait, I feel it too! Like a shaky shake."

Skwisgaar:"It's likes what dey calls ambulances..."

Pickles:"Douche, it's turbulance and it's worse than that guys."

Toki:"Do you smell smoking?"

Murderface:"Whoa, check it out! Some dildo just jumped out of the plane. What a pussy!"

Pickles:"Uh dude, that was the pilot!"

Nathan:"I thought he was ummmmm like uhh the guy that ummmmm... He was the pilot?!"

Skwisgaar:"Good things jet planes flies themselves huh."

All stare at eachother followed by intense screaming.

Nathan:"Dude, what the hell? If we crash I hope we land on that dildo pilot. Idea for song title... crushed by plane."

Pickles:"Dude, we already made that like two years ago.

Toki:"Yeah the one wheres we records screams from peoples shoved out of plane."

Nathan:"... Oh yeah! That kicked ass!"

Pickles:"Oh yeah totally, really kicked ass."

The plane violenlty shakes and one engine explodes in a cascade of light and debries.

Pickles:"Dude, we need parachutes!"

Skwisgaar:"We already useded thems lost week wes did."

Nathan:"Oh yeah..."

Flashback to them dropping bottles out of the plane with the parachutes

Toki:"We hads to used dems so the piss wouldn't spill before landings."

Murderface:"hahaha stupid third world jackoffs will drink anything that comes from the sky."

Pickles:"Damn we were wasted..."

Nathan:"Dude, we are wasted now."

Pickles:"Yeah but then I was 'drink you own throwup drunk'. Now that's a good song title."

Nathan:"Yeah he's right"

Murderface:Fuck! We're gonna crash before we can get that wasted again! Why me? I'm too young to die..."

Toki:"Actually you are not youngs you ares..."

Pickles:"Dude, shutup before he kills you... before we crash and die that way."

Skwisgaar:"I always visioneded I woulds die fucking and playing guitar at the same times."

Pickles:"Dude, that's what you always do!"

Skwisgaar:"Well stops your watching of mes."

Pickles:"I don't watch, I just record it for our website. We get twenty million hits on just that page alone!"

Murderface:"Wow! So you're like the pope of amateur internet groupie mega metal star porn."

Skwisgaar:"Whose you callings a amateur? Assclown!"

Nathan:"Uh guys... the ground is getting closer."

Pickles:"Dude, assume crash positions!"

Toki:"What's that?"

Murderface:"The position you wanna be found dead in."

Nathan:"Fucking brutal. Murderface, put your clothes on!"

Murderface:"Fuck you!"

Plane slams into the soft sand, impact ripping it in half.


	2. Track 2

**Track 2**

When we last left the band they had crashed to a mysterious island and lucky for them they are to brutal to die that easily. Dark smoke and ashes mixed with metallic bits flows over the very still plane. Suddenly the stillness is interrupted by the large door is kicked open and clear off the hinges. Loud coughing is heard as Nathan steps out into the glaring sunlight.

Nathan:"Fuck! That hurt my foot... stupid door! (looks around) Uhhhh where are we?"

Murderface:"Did anyone see my pants?"

Pickles:"Dude, where did your pants go?"

Murderface:"If I knew, would I be asking you? Asshole...geez!"

Toki:"Helps mes, I'm is stuck!"

Nathan:"Sorry Toki but we need to chop your arm off."

Toki:"Whats the fuck! My leg is whats is trapped, Natan."

Nathan:"Yeah but I'm bored and pissed and cutting off your arm will help ease my pain. Don't be so selfish Toki!"

Skwisgaar:"Yeahs Toki, yous only thinks of youselfs. What abouts us? Wees have sand in our boots buts yous nice and comfutables inside."

Toki:"Screws yous all!"

Pickles:"Dude, we're like on an island."

Murderface:"So what? It's mocking us with its' coconut trees! Makes me wanna kill myself right now and make them watch, thos sons of bi... sweet, I found my pants!"

Toki:"Hey! Those are mines pants! Ands I still wearing dems!"

Skwisgaar:"See? Like we says, selfkish!"

Murderface:"Gimmie!"

Toki finally slips loose but the inertia from Murderface pulling on his pants sends Toki face first into the sand.

Toki:"Hmmmmm, tastes likes da chickens.."

Nathan:"Really? Fuckin' sweet!"

Murderface:"Mine! I claim this sand!"

Pickles:"Back off, fattie! This is mine."

All five of them scoop up and gobble down as much sand as they can before realizing it sucks and spitting it back up.

Nathan:"That tastes nothing like chicken, you dildo!"

Murderface:"I can feel it fighting with my spleen right now."

Toki:"Yous didn't let mes finish. Is means it tastes likes chicken butts."

Murderface takes another bite. 

Murderface:"Hmmmm I think he's right."

Nathan:"So what the hell do we do now? The sun is seering my flesh... also I need a toilet."

Pickles:"Dude, I told you to go before we left."

Murderface:"Fuck it, use that tree."

Skwisgaar:"Yas, Fuck it."

Nathan:"Yeah... what the hell."

Toki:"Looks whats found I? A orange guns, we cans shoots down da plane and use it to flys out ofs heres."

Murderface:"Gimmie! I need to shoot something before I freak out and go on a rampage!"

Pickles:"Dude, shooting stuff and running around with a gun IS going on a rampage!"

Murderface:"Show me the dick that died and made you a rampage expert."

Nathan:"Damn! Now my ass hurts."

Pickles:"What did you wipe with?"

Nathan:"Ummmmmmm... a pinecone... but it was hard to do cuz that stupid thing wouldn't stop moving."

Murderface:"That was a rat."

Skwisgaar:"A mad stinky rats now, Ha!"

Toki:"Yeah, hims not happy nows."

Nathan:"Damn I hate tours! This is brutal!"

Pickles:"Dude, we need to like signal a plane or something."

Murderface's cell phone blares across the beach.

Murderface:"... THERE'S my pants! It's my damned grandma! Fuck it!"

He tosses it far into the depths of the ocean while the rest of the band watch with their collective mouths wide open.

Nathan:"What the fuck, Murderface!? We could have used that to call for help."

Murderface:"Well you're the didlos who didn't bring your dethphones so don't yell at me, plus when I hear her voice I just wanna kill something so I'll feel better."

Nathan:"This sand is totally pissing me off."

Toki:"Lets go gets wasted! Thats always make us happys."

Dude, our booze burned in the plane!"

Skwisgaar:"Dammit, wees need immflamamabiale... not flamable alcohols."

Toki:"Den lets gos to stabucks."

Pickles:"This is a freakin' island, Toki! Nothing is here ya douchebag!"

Toki:"But deys everywheres."

Murderface smacks Toki knocking a tooth out."

Toki:"Owwww! What a dick!"

Murderface:"Don't blame me, you had it coming."

Nathan:"He's right."

Skwisgaar:"Yas."

Pickles:"Dude, he is totally right."

Toki:"Yeahs..."

Toki rubs his jaw then follows the rest into the jungle.


	3. Track 3

**Track 3**

The band continues through the forest looking for a way off the island they crash landed on...

Nathan:"I can't see anything cause of all there trees.

Skwisgaar:"Maybes you should climbs da trees to see betters farther."

Nathan:"Ok, give me a boost."

Skwisgaar, Pickles and Toki all strain to get him up but can't seem to lift Nathan high enough until they crash under his weight.

Pickles:"Dude! Have you gained weight?"

Skwisgaar:"Oh no, heres he goes."

Nathan:"Dammit are you callin me fat?"

Pickles:"I was simply sayin'.."

Nathan:"You know I have weight issues!"

Murderface:"Oh I see! You're trying to butt in on my territory! Everyone knows I'M the one with weight issues... look at me I'm a fat ass! Besides, you don't see me trying to be the singer in the band do you!?"

Toki:"You don't have issueses wit da weight... Yous just fat."

Pickles and Skwisgaar hold Muderface back from stabbing Toki in the face.

Muderface:"Grrrrrr. We can't all be born with perfect bodies ya know!"

Toki:"Sawwys Merdaface."

Nathan:"Screw this! I'm just gonna ask that guy if he knows how to get off this damn island."

He points at a weird native tribesman guy.

Pickles:"Ummm Nathan, where did he come from? I thought we were alone?"

Toki:"Yeahs and hims wearing necklace of de skulls!"

Nathan:"So what, that's metal..."

Skwisgaar:"Meybes he is like a fan."

Murderface:"Or a stalker! I say we kill him before he kills us!"

Toki:"But den we be alones agains!"

Murderface:"You didn't let me finish... I was saying let's kill him then kills ourselves!"

Pickles:"Dude, if you're gonna kill yourself, do it already then!"

Nathan:"But wait till our tour is overrrr."

Toki:"Do it nows... wes not needs da bass."

Shaman guy makes inconceivable noises.

Skwisgaar:"Whats hes say?"

Murderface:"How am I supposed to know? I don't speak clicks and whistles! Fuckin hippie!"

Nathan:"WHOOOOO AREEEE YOOOOOU?"

Shaman:"Speaking louder will not help me understand you. I know english."

Pickles:"Ha! Dude you got burned by this half naked jerkoff!"

Murderface:"Now that's what I call Really freeballin!"

Toki:"Hims balls are frees."

Nathan:"Ummmm you got a plane?"

Toki:"Or a boats... I likes da sea."

Skwisgaar:"You have da sea sickiness, member last time... puking all overs even made the fishies sick."

Pickles:"Last time I ever eat fish..."

Shaman:"You defile sacred land. You discrace our island with magical flying thingie!"

Murderface:"Well you piss me off, parading your shiny skulls in front of me so we're even."

Skwisgaar:"He speak turruble engliss!"

Toki:"Yeahs, it is a planes not de tangie."

Pickles:"Ummmm dudes... nevermind."

Nathan:"Listen, we're sick of your crappy trees and your sand tastes like shit. Show us the hell outta here!"

Shaman:"You will be cursed! Leave now!"

Pickles:"Dude! We're trying to leave... also we're already cursed."

Toki:"Like the times da cooker man gots chopped up in little tiny pieces."

Skwisgaar:"Ors whens many fans died on dey last tours thanks to Nathan's idea ofs crowded surfing wits da really spiky boots ons."

Murderface:"Oh, and when that pizza delivery guy's head just exploded for no reason."

Skwisgaar:"You shoots him... dat de reasons of it."

Murderface:"Well he laughed at my tip... pussy! He thought he was too good for my money, guess he learned his lesson!"

Pickles:"Dude, how can you learn a lesson when you're dead! Plus you gave him two bottle caps and a squirrel brain."

Murderface:"My mother gave me that brain before she was murdered but you know what... how about you tell the story since you know it soooo well... come on tell the story even though it's mine!"

Pickles:"How should I know the rest, I was fucking drunk."

The shaman starts chanting and shaking his staff at the band.

Nathan:"Hmmmm good song title, Hamuhokamonna!"

Skwisgaar:"Hows yous spells that?"

Nathan:"Uhhhhhhhhh... Fuck it."

Toki:"I tinks maybes just poeple round us are cursed."

Nathan:"That's not truuuuuuue."

Pickles:"Dude, not more shaking!"

Skwisgaar:"Ground turbuluances?

The very earth shakes violently then opens up and in falls the shaman. The band looks down and watches in delight as his faces melts off.

Nathan:"Dude that's so metal! Idea for a song title: Face Melting..."

The pressure of the volcano beneath them builds up to the breaking point then errupts in such a great explosion that the force throws the band into the air.


	4. Track 4

**Track 4**

Ash and lava filled explosions echo through the air but on the ground life keeps going. Pickles lands face down on a harsh patch of prickly grass.

Pickles:"Damn! What the hell landed on my back, a fuckin' boulder!?"

He stretches his neck and looks behind to see what exactly fell on his back.

Pickles:"Oh sorry Nathan... I didn't mean that... well I kinda did..."

Nathan:"Fuck! What the hell happenend?"

Pickles:"Dude, I don't know, we're cursed."

Nathan:"We are NOT cursed..."

Pickles:"Ok, ok... then it's probably Toki's fault."

Nathan:"Yeah it was totally Toki's fault."

Pickles:"Dude, where are we at?

Nathan:"At least the sand is gone but what's that fuckin' smell?"

Pickles:"Ummm dude... your uh hair is kinda smoldering."

Nathan:"What the fuck!? My hair's on fire!"

He runs to a nearby stream and dumps his head in.

Pickles:"Hahaha That would have been brutal if it had burned all your hair off... hilarious too."

Nathan:"Like you've got room to talk, mister comb over!"

Pickles:"Dude it's my style! That 'I just got outta bed, screw the world I'll do whatever I please' look."

Nathan:"Also known as: I'm losing my hair but please don't notice. Why do you think we always put you in the back while we are on stage?"

Pickles:"Dude, that's cuz T'm the drummer!"

Nathan:"Whatever helps you sleep at night dude."

Pickles:"Don't start with me Nathan. I got sand up my ass, volcanic ash in my eyes and I think you may have severed my spinal cord. Plus at least I don't dye my hair, mister I'm so bruuutal my natural color is light fuckin' brown... who knows... might be gray by now!"

All the while Nathan creeps up behind him with a big rock in his hands.

Pickles:"Anyway, where is everybody?"

Nathan:"Maybe in your head. Let's find out!"

Pickles:"What the hell are you even talkin..."

Nathan violently smashes Pickles head with the rock.

He slowly opens his eyes then blinks several times, trying to focus. The world is all a blur as he tries to remember what happened. He sits up and blinks a few more times, finally things start to come into focus. All the blurry blobs have become millions of bouncing bunnies.

Pickles:"Dude, what kind of drug trip is this..."

A gigantic stage pops up from the ground as Skwisgaar and Toki jump out jamming chords faster than Pickles' brain can comprehend them. Murderface steps up and joins them followed by Nathan. Pickles feels compelled to jump on stage as well, plus the weird colored bunnies started to freak him out. He jumped behind his drum set and joined in the melodic massacre. Nathan steps in front, his voice blaring through the trees and vibrating the very ground. Out of the bushes a tattooed wildman jumps into the bunny herd, maliciously beating them with a coconut.

"Coconut killer... coconut killer... coconut killer... coconut killer..." Nathan chats as the wildman swings blindly into the sea of pink and blue bunnies. Pickles pounds away, watching the bunny bloodbath intently.

"He lurks in the bush, leaps out in surprise  
Smashes cuddle bunnies with fright in their eyes!  
Deranged bone pierced weirdo, commiting genocide  
Bloodstained furry nightmare, you can never hide!"

Toki and Skwisgaar headbang in unison as the lunatic hurls another coconut decapitating yet another cute bunny as many more continue to scatter around the stage.

"Sneaks inside your house, bash you on the head  
Leave all you valuables, take you sanity instead!

He is your greatest enemy, He knows your fear

Never safe from his laughter, always near!

Coconut killa! Coconut killa! Coconut killa! Coconut killa!"

Murderface drops his pants and plays bass with his dick until a bunny bites it. Murderface kicks it into the air and the wildman catches it in his mouth then rips it to shreds, bathing in it's blood.

Nathan stomps on the stage, swinging his hair wildly.

"Beware in your dreams, look under your bed

hiding in your shadow, too late, off with your head!

Blood flowing everywhere, spewing out your soul

smiling, the killa says... your bell will tollllllllllll!

Coconut killa! Coconut killa!

Coconut killa! Coconut killa!

Coconut killa! Coconut killa!"

Pyros explode, Skwisgaar rocks his final solo as Nathan pumps his fist. Pickles looks up to see the wildman leaping at him with a coconut.

He wakes up swiftly as water is dumped on his face. He coughs, eyes focusing lazily on Nathan.

Pickles:"Dude... what happened! We were playing a brutal song and some messed up crazy guy was beating things with a coconut. Nevermind... lost it."

Nathan:"Ummm that's right... that guy smacked you in the head with a nut..."

Pickles:"a nut??"

Nathan:"Ummmmm uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"

Pickles:"So where did that douchebag go?"

Nathan:"Ummmm uhhhhh ummmm I killed him."

Pickles:"Ohhhh that's why your hands are so bloddy."

Nathan:"Ummmm yeah... but since when did I need a reason for that?"

Pickles:"True, true. Dude, where's Murderface and Skwisgaar? I miss their cynicism... oh and ummm the other guy."

Nathan:"Ummmm... other guy? ... I thought there were four of us."

Pickles:"Dude, you suck at math."

Nathan:"Do you want me to bash your skull in again!?"

Pickles:"What?"

Nathan:"Ummm I said... maybe we should look around again. Yeah, that's it."

Pickles:"Nah, we're way too lazy for that."

Nathan:"Oh yeah, I forgot... Damn I'm hungry."

Pickles:"Hey Nathan, look! It's a snake!"

Nathan:"Here snakey snake! Come to Nathan so I can cut you open and devour you insides... you would like that huh lil guy."

Pickles:"Dude, that's totally not gonna entice him. Comeon boy. Do ya want this tasty twing huh? Yeah yummy huh."

The snake strikes blazingly fast and latches on to Pickles arm.

Pickles:"Holy Fuck!"

Nathan watches with wide eyes as Pickles screams.

Nathan:"Dude, that is so fuckin' brutal... Idea for song title: Snake bite on a train blues."

Pickles:"Dude! A little help here!"

Nathan:"Calm down, you'll scare our little snake pal."

Pickles:"Whoa... I'm starting to feel loopy... haven't felt this messed up since highschool... sweet, dude you gotta try it!"

Nathan:"Ummmm do I smoke him?"

Pickles:"What!? No! Smack him."

Nathan backhands him and it strikes Nathan, injecting the vemon while slowly grawing on his shoulder.

Pickles:"Wait for it..."

Nathan:"Whooooooa... I feel floaty..."

Pickles:"Told ya. best stuff I've ever had... dude we gotta show this to the rest of the band."

Nathan:"Dude, we have a band?? coooool.. wait! I can see the meaning of life wrapped inside a rainbow and stuffed in a kid's pocket..."

Pickles:"That's nothin'. Wait until you start to see smells and smell colors."

Nathan:"Wowwwwwww. I think I found God.."

They stumble deeper into the jungle as the snake tags along draped over Nathan's shoulder.

Pickles:"Dude! Toki... that's it!"

Nathan:"Uhhhh he's like the butler guy?"

Pickles:"ummmmmm yeah... why not..."

Nathan:"Hey is that a polar bear?"

Pickles:"Dude, relax.. you're just tripping... what would a polar bear be doin' on a tropical island?"

Nathan:"Good point."


	5. Track 5

**Track 5**

Toki pushes himself off the ground and notices Skwisgaar staring out into the ocean. Toki sneezes and falls back down.

Toki:"I thinks someone's talking tos me."

Skwisgaar:"You means abouted yous, not tos yous, Toki."

Toki:"Whatever..."

Skwisgaar:"No one says bads stuff abouts you, relax."

Toki:"I didn't say bads..."

Toki looks down and silently pouts.

Skwisgaar:"Baby wants a bottles or mommy's titty?"

Toki:"I was orphane, douchebag!"

Skwisgaar:"Ohs yeahs... Hey what's that overs there?"

Toki:"It's a gurl! And she gonna drowns!"

He rushes out into the pounding waves to save her.

Skwisgaar:"Toki! Yous can't swims!"

Skwisgaar jumps in and drags him out, and back to the beach.

Toki:"Save da lady!"

Skwisgaar:"Stupid Toki! It's da mermaids, not lady."

Toki:"Buts there's no things such as mermaids."

Skwisgaar:"Look. No ladys has tails like dats."

Toki:"ohhh... but hers still prettys."

Skwisgaar:"Only from waist ups... yous cannots fuck hers."

Toki:"Yeah... too bads she not de top halfs of fishies and bottom halfs of dey gurl..."

Skwisgaar:"Toki's look! Helicopter! Gets da flaring gun."

Toki:"ummmm... Oh yeahs, it's ins my back pocket."

He tries desperately to free it but it somehow got stuck.

Toki:"Its is stucked! Help mes!"

Skwisgaar:"I gots it... just one mores tug..."

He pulls hard and accidently pulls the trigger, shooting the flare into Toki's pants.

Toki:"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Yous shot my ass!"

Skwisgaar:"Intos the water Toki!"

Toki runs, nearly hopping until hitting the water. Skwisgaar hurls the gun at the chopper but it only goes up a few feet before falling to the sand.

Skwisgaar:"Fuck its!

The pilot notices all the steam shooting up from the water and lowers enough to spot them.

Skwisgaar:"Down heres you dildos!"

A bird flys straight into the rotor causing the helicopter to go into a tailspin. Skwisgaar screams as it comes crashing down on him. Toki dives to push him out of the way at the last second.

Skwisgaar:"Toki... you saves mes... thank yous..."

Toki smiles

Skwisgaar:"Now get offs me, fucking dildo."

Toki:"Da pilot is stills alive!"

Skwisgaar:"Buts dey helicoptor is dead it is... look and sees if there are anys tiny little bottles of alcolhols ons board."

Toki:"Nopes, just pilots and blood. There is lots of dat."

They struggle to drag the pilot out and a safe distance away. The helicopter explodes and one of the blades is flung through the pilot.

Skwisgaar:"Likes we says... we ares so cursededs."

Toki:"Yeahs... Natan needs to sees this."

Skwisgaar:"He's probably landed on good parts of island, dammit."

Toki:"Is theres a good part?"

Skwisgaar:"How shoulds I know, Toki? I didn'ts invented it."

Toki:"Yeah... you should have... then its could have fun rides and peoples being happy..."

Pilot opens his eyes.

Pilot:"I'm alive! It's a miracle. You guys are my guardian angels."

Skwisgaar bashes his head in with a small log.

Skwisgaar:"Whoops... thoughts hes was ghost."

Toki:"You killed hims!"

Skwisgaar:"Nos Toki. This wood killeds hims dead like."

He instinctively tries to play the log like a guitar then throws it down in frustration.

Skwisgaar:"Stupids unplayable guitars... worse dans a grandpas guitar. Nos guitar, nos ladies, nos thing to drink. Fucking sucks! I'm going to end it."

Toki:"Fine, we ends it together."

They use some rope and throw it over and tree branch then put it around their necks.

Toki:"Goodbyes, Skwisgaar. I always hated yous da most."

Skwisgaar:"I knows, mes too Toki."

Both jump off the tree but the branch snaps and they fall to the ground.

Toki:"Wes can't dos anytang rights."

Skwisgaar:"Yous right Toki. Too bad wes don't still have dey fatty ding dong... he would make perfects raft and float really goods."

Toki:"Yeahs... waits a minute! Whats about pilot guy?"

Skwisgaar:"That duoche? Hes is dead."

Toki:"I mean floats on hims."

Skwisgaar:"Hmmmm goods idea, hims a fat sack of shit."

They roll him into the ocean then jump on his back and paddle.

Toki:"Hims getting water all bloodys... umm Skwisgaar... really bigs fishy coming!"

Skwisgaar:"Don't worrys Toki, that fin sticking ups mean its is a dolphin... perfectly harmless..."

Toki:"But dos sharkies have fins toos?"

Skwisgaar:"Oh fucks!"

They scream as the shark opens it's collosal mouth and takes a huge satisfying bite spilling even more blood into the vast ocean.


End file.
